“It’s Not the Drink”: Why Substances Don’t Cause Abuse

 Alcohol and drugs do not cause abusive behaviour.
They reduce inhibition.

That distinction matters more than most people realise.

Substances can impair impulse control, emotional regulation, and social restraint. What they do not do is invent values, attitudes, or belief systems that were not already there.

Which is why blaming alcohol or drugs for abuse often keeps people stuck in confusion, self-doubt, and false hope.

The explanation I hear over and over again

One of the most common explanations people give for abusive behaviour sounds like this:

“They’re not really like that. It’s the drink.”
“If they weren’t using, this wouldn’t happen.”
“They’re great when they’re sober.”

These explanations usually come from people who are trying to make sense of something that feels impossible to hold.

Because if it’s the substance, then the person isn’t choosing this.
And if the substance is the problem, then sobriety becomes the solution.

That story can feel easier to live with.

But it often isn’t accurate.

What substances actually do

Alcohol and drugs lower inhibition.

They reduce the brain’s ability to pause, reflect, and self-regulate. They make it harder to suppress impulses and easier for unfiltered reactions to come out.

What they do not do is create beliefs.

They do not suddenly install ideas like:

• “I’m entitled to control my partner”

• “My feelings matter more than theirs”

• “They should adapt to keep the peace”

• “Accountability doesn’t apply to me”

Those beliefs already exist.

Substances simply remove the brakes that usually keep them hidden.

That is why you do not see everyone who drinks or uses substances becoming controlling, intimidating, or abusive. Plenty of people drink. Plenty of people struggle with addiction. Most do not abuse their partners.

Abuse is not a side effect of intoxication.
It is a reflection of how someone thinks about power, entitlement, and responsibility in relationships.

Why abuse often escalates with substances

This is where things get confusing for people on the receiving end.

When inhibition drops, behaviour often becomes more extreme.
Anger is expressed more openly. Control is enforced more bluntly. Punishment becomes more obvious.

So it can look like the substance is the cause, because the behaviour worsens around it.

But what is actually happening is exposure.

The beliefs were already there.
The substance just makes them harder to conceal.

This is why abuse may appear to “start” or escalate during periods of heavy drinking or drug use, even though the underlying dynamic existed long before.

A pattern I see repeatedly

Let’s take a common scenario.

Someone is kind, charming, and attentive in public. When sober, they can appear reasonable, remorseful, even insightful. They apologise after incidents and promise change.

When they drink, they become controlling. They monitor behaviour. They lash out. They blame. They minimise. They frighten.

The partner learns to think:

“If they could just stop drinking, this would go away.”

So the focus shifts.

Managing the addiction becomes the priority. Supporting sobriety becomes the strategy. Enduring the behaviour becomes temporary, justified by the hope of a better future.

But unless the underlying beliefs change, the abuse rarely disappears.

It simply changes shape.

What gets missed when we blame substances

When abuse is framed as a substance issue, three dangerous things often happen.

Responsibility shifts away from the person choosing the behaviour.
The harm becomes something that “happens” rather than something that is done.

The partner starts managing the addiction instead of recognising the abuse.
Energy goes into prevention, monitoring, rescuing, and damage control.

Hope gets tied to sobriety rather than belief change.
People wait for a version of the relationship that may never exist.

This can keep someone stuck for years.

Not because they are naïve or in denial, but because they are trying to survive inside a story that makes the pain feel more bearable.

This is not about demonising addiction

It matters to say this clearly.

This is not about blaming people with substance misuse issues. Addiction is real. It is complex. It causes harm in its own right.

And substances absolutely can make situations more volatile and more dangerous.

But substance misuse is a risk factor, not a root cause, for abuse.

Abuse comes from how someone thinks about relationships, control, entitlement, blame, and accountability.

If those beliefs remain intact, stopping drinking or using does not automatically make a relationship safe.

Why recognising this can feel devastating

For many people, this realisation is painful.

Because if it was “just the drink,” then maybe it was bad luck.
Maybe it was timing.
Maybe it was something that could be fixed.

Recognising that the behaviour reflects a deeper belief system removes that illusion.

But it also removes something else.

The idea that it was your job to save them.

Why this realisation can also be freeing

When you understand that abuse is not caused by substances, a few important things click into place.

You stop asking what you could have done differently.
You stop carrying responsibility for someone else’s choices.
You stop tying your safety to their sobriety.

You can see the pattern for what it was.

And that clarity matters, whether you are still in the relationship or trying to make sense of it after leaving.

If this has helped something fall into place

If reading this has made something finally make sense, you are not alone.

Many people tell me that understanding this distinction is the moment they stop second-guessing themselves.

If you want help mapping out the patterns you were caught in, and understanding why they affected you the way they did, the free Clarity Check-In can support that next step.

It is a short, personalised assessment designed to help you move from confusion and self-doubt to grounded clarity, without blame or pressure to make any decisions before you are ready.

For many people, it is the first time their experience has been explained in a way that actually fits.

Click here to take the free assessment